If somebody asks you what your "masturbation schedule" looks like, how should you respond?

I don't know either, yet I was asked precisely this question at the movie theater last night. Let me explain.

I had gone to see the final local showing of Undead Judgment. If you haven't heard of Undead Judgment, it does for organ donation what I Am Sam does for letting retarded people have custody of their children. It makes you not want to do it. It also does for really crazy Christians what Narnia did for crazy Christians. It takes a perfectly good movie and makes it annoying to watch in a theater.

Undead Judgment is, first and foremost, a zombie movie--but it's got one hell of a twist. In this zombie movie, all the zombies are Christians who have died "in Christ," and risen again. They used to turn the other cheek, now they're kicking heathen ass! But the movie's not really about kicking heathen ass, it's really about the plight of one poor zombie who signed an organ donor card and ended up giving his eyeballs to some poor sap who needed eyeballs. Well, the zombie no longer has eyeballs and so he can't see when he's resurrected. It's kind of sad really. He mostly just walks around bumping into stuff until he meets a little Jewish girl and her dog who teaches him about diversity and leads him around so he can do zombie missions sent to him in dreams. Don't let the subject matter scare you away. Like Narnia, this movie really isn't about Jesus kicking ass. It's about zombies. But don't tell that to the really crazy Christians that I mentioned earlier.

After the movie I was standing outside with my friend Rodney and a guy walks up to me and says "Hey, I saw you in Undead Judgment. What did you think?" I said what I always say in situations like this: "It was pretty good." Boy, was that a mistake.

"Yeah man, I really loved it too. Did you make any decisions during the movie?"

"Wha?"

"Did you make any decisions about your life during the movie?"

"Um...I don't think so."

"It really made me think about what side of the End Times I want to be on."

FIRST of all, we're all on THIS side of the End Times. We don't have a choice. It hasn't happened yet. There's nothing we can do about it. "Do you want to be a zombie?"

"Well, the zombies really are allegories for the dead in Christ."

"Right, right"

"Are you a Christian?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to be a zombie."

"It's just a movie about zombies, Christians aren't really zombies."

"I know, I'm a Christian."

"What's your masturbation schedule like?"

"Ummmmmm"

"You know, masturbation destroys your soul. It causes blindness, deafness and lowered sperm count. I like to keep a schedule to keep myself accountable. I share it with a couple guys in my Bible study. If I'm masturbating too much, they'll pull me aside and rebuke me."

No shit. "Mmm, hmmm."

"You know, Jesus says that if your eye causes you to sin, you should pluck it out. But you also gotta think that you'll need that eye in the end times...so you want to do all you can to keep that eye man. And if you pluck that one eye out, who's to say your other eye is not going to cause you to sin? Best to nip it in the bud, you know?"

"Wow"

"I gotta go man, but if you want to learn more about the End Times, you should come to this."

He hands me a pamphlet.

"Uh, ok. Later"

"God Bless man."

Here's what the pamphlet said:

Ever want to know what happens when you're dead?

Maybe you should be more concerned with what happens when you're not dead!

Arthur Tiddy Ministries presents a later days ministry presentation:

THE END OF ALL: A SURVIVAL MANUAL

How to make your way in the NEW days of Christ

Thursday: PHYSICAL PURITY AND THE ARMY OF GOD

Friday: THE MOST EMBARRASSING PREDICAMENT: DON'T GET CAUGHT-UP MASTURBATING

Saturday: WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LIVE WITHOUT A LIVER: RESURRECTION AND DARKER SIDE OF ORGAN DONATION

Sunday: JESUS IS THE ANSWER, BUT THE QUESTION IS: (find out on this day!)