Let Me Kill You Sweetheart!

2007-03-29T22:48:00.000-05:00

Greetings from the other side of the mind! That’s right, Rodney and me are finally back from our bi-yearly trip to ExoticaFest. Nothing like 10 days in the Arizona desert to help you lose your ego. I have to tell you, I lost mine at least 7 times in these past 10 days, and only twice to Rodney. The other 5 times were to a nice older couple with teardrop tattoos. They even gave me one, but I rubbed it off after taking the peyote suppository Aston gave me. Yeah, Aston came too. Speaking of Aston, he insisted on wearing that gay sparkly T-shirt thing ALL FRIGGIN WEEK!!! I told him it was gay, but he didn’t seem to mind. He also put more of that glitter cream on his dick. Despite Aston, I did have tons of fun. I saw all my favorite bands and independent performance artists. I saw Puddin’ Stone, Captain Starlight, Rascal Flats, and The Amazing Giant Rainbow Machine. The Amazing Giant Rainbow Machine wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Yes, it was a machine that made a rainbow, but you really couldn’t call it a giant rainbow. It was only about 30 feet tall, which is tall, but most rainbows are tons bigger than that. This one did have a pot ‘o gold at the end, so to speak, but I really don’t see what was so great about it. I didn’t come to freaking ExoticaFest to take a damn shower, even if the water was kind of yellow. Of course, Aston was really excited to get his golden shower. Don’t worry, we all made the obvious jokes and made him feel sufficiently humiliated for wussing out and taking a shower. But he can’t fucking take a joke so he spread shit all over my damn nose while I was passed out from those pills the guy with the sailor’s hat gave me, and, of course, the only damn shower was the one at the damn end of the damn Amazing Giant Rainbow Machine. Believe me, I didn’t want to, but I had to get that asshole’s shit off my nose, so I took a shower. I’d love to say that the water tasted like chocolate and I came out covered in gold, but it tasted kind of like piss. I’m sure it was just the gold coloring they put in the water. Aston told me that it was, in fact, piss they were using and that he had donated his piss but that it was mostly horse piss. I don’t believe that shit, though. Would the lead singer of Rascal Flats take a shower in pee? I don’t think so. He was in there while I was and he totally pointed out what he thought was some shit on my dick, but it was just a mole. He even tried to wipe it off for me. He’s really nice. Anyway, next time he’s in town I’m going to let him chill at my apartment. In return he’s going to take me to this place called The Players Retreat. Have you guys heard of it? It’s his favorite bar when he come to Raleigh. Anyway, I’m still getting over all the fun I’ve had this past week and a half, so I’m going to end this now. I’m going to Sadlacks to get a warm cheese sandwich. I hear they have cheddar now.

2006-09-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

The following is a true story.

I recently held a benefit dinner for my favorite benefit event: benefit dinners. The cost of the event was to be 12 mosquitoes and a subway token. Because subway tokens are no longer in use, I assumed that I was safe in assuming that it wouldn't hurt to assume nobody would be able to come and I prepared no food and I made not provisions for the preparation of food. The benefit of this benefit to benefits was, if it's not completely obvious to you now, that I would get people excited about benefit dinners and perhaps encourage the use of the benefit dinner when one wants to benefit something. I could not come up with a better something that I wanted to benefit as I am in a bit of a funk as of late.

To my chagrin and embarrassment, which is only slightly different than chagrin, but significantly different for me to include both here, over 70 people showed up to the benefit dinner. Fortunately only 12 stayed after I informed them that there would be no food. Of those 12, 6 were children and I hit them on the head until they just kind of wandered off. The other 6 were adults and, as I'd hoped from the beginning, we formed an awesome band based around the characters of Jan Karon's Mitford series of books. I got to be Father Tim (yes!), and I play bass guitar. Our band is called Happy Endings, which is the name of the bookstore in Mitford, where the Mitford series is set.

The band got off to a good start, playing shows in both Cary and at the Streets at Southpoint. We didn't just want to copy the books, so all the songs were about characters from the book doing dirty things to each other that you don't read about in the books. The soccer moms still loved us, though I don't think they could hear the lyrics through Chesty's stage attire, which consists of 20 blankets draped over his head. After we played 2 shows, Chesty got a big head and decided to go solo. He now sits out next to the fountain downtown and gives homeless men and women blowjobs. I have to admit, all in all, that his performances is much improved over his Happy Endings days, but I wish he would have taken the rest of the band with him on his artistic journey.

Me? I'm planning my next benefit dinner. This time I think the price of admission will be 200 tiny radios all tuned to Radio Disney and I'll serve old fashioned candies that I'll have to buy at a general store or Costco or something. The results will be sublime. Won't you join me?

2006-09-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

In my many conversations with friend and some actual fans of mine in the last few days (they do exist!) I realized that a lot of people have trouble deciding what they want to do. I'm not talking about what they want to do with their lives, but what they want to do on a moment to moment basis. It's easy to get stuck in a rut of surfing the internet, watching Sportscenter, or just plain old sleeping with strangers and not doing anything constructive. If you find yourself in a similar situation right now I want to try to help you. So here's what you do: read my list of suggestions of things to do below and do one of them. I think you'll find it's better than doing drugs or asking your parents for money.

1. Get some cheese (a hard cheese is best) and a decent nonstick frying pan. Put the cheese in the pan and cook it until it burns. Eat the cheese. This is a good replacement for slitting your wrists. Anytime you feel the urge to slit your wrist, eat some burnt cheese...and call your therapist/support group mentor.

2. Wrap your head in bandages and go grocery shopping.

3. Pee in a cup and then pour the cup into the toilet. Discard the cup. Interrupting such an automatic function as urinating with an unnecessary step causes us to stop and think about our waste and what we do with it. This might help you stop drinking, especially if you just peed in your only cup.

4. Go to McDonald.

5. Find a child in a park and give it a stick. Tell the child the stick is magical. Cherish the child's wonder and amazement in the magical stick.

6. Walk up to a stranger on the street and say, "It's a wonderful day to be Jesus!"

7. Kill a spider and then thank God for giving the spider life and for letting you have such an essential roll in controlling the spider population.

8. Resist the urge to have your spider spayed or neutered.

9. Try to hit a squirrel with an acorn. You probably can't do it, but if you do you'll feel guilty and that's probably good for you. You've probably done something far worse that you don't even know about.

10. Pet a kitty cat while whispering scandalous (but not sexy--you don't want to get confused) secrets to it. Who would you like to kill? What albums by Matchbox 20 do you own? What's your middle name? Tell the kitty cat. They'll judge you silently, but still let you pet them.

2006-05-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

Well, now that everybody's favorite horse has won the Kentucky Derby, let's take a moment to remember those who didn't win:

Sat on a Cracker- This horse performed well in regional derbies, but couldn't catch a break in the big show. He came in 12th despite the fact that his jockey peed on his back during the race!

My Wife's Lawyer- Named after the owner's wife's lawyer, this horse is actually a crocodile. Needless to say, it wasn't even in the race.

Talk About Gross- Talk about gross indeed! This horse has three gigantic testicles sticking out of its forehead. I guess the extra testosterone counteracts the loss of aerodynamics; Talk About Gross came in second.

Glittery Mustache- This horse is a magnificent mystery.

Deputy Ding-a-ling- I don't remember anything about this feller.

Goodnight.

2006-01-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

Wow, you get to listen to another episode of Jonathan's Radio Program. Isn't that wonderfull? Isn't it great. God is on the throne, GWB is the Prez. and REO Speedwagon is getting back together. What's not to be happy about? Download here or stream here. Enjoy everywhere!

2006-01-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

This blog entry is going to be a "potpourri" of small things I've been meaning to blog about for a while, but never wanted to devote an entire entry to ;)

1. Why doesn't blogger's spellcheck recognize the word blog? Weird right? And annoying!

2. BK's chicken fries are very different from what you might expect from the pictures. The pictures make them look like they have a light golden crust when it's really more like a mozzarella stick crust. They're not too bad, though, and they seem to have a wide assortment of sauces.

3. The guy that works at the photo center at the local drug store looks and talks an awful lot like Patton Oswalt.

4. Why are people so afraid of other people's opinions? If I think a certain President is a douche, that doesn't mean I'm going to make you eat a shitburger. Now if I MADE you EAT the shitburger, THEN you could get mad.

That's all for now,

Jonathan

2006-01-07T11:37:00.000-05:00

It's a wonderful day indeed...for you! Jonathan's Radio Program is now online! In episode one Jonathan sort of interviews Louie Anderson and Diane Warren. He gets discouraged when he finds that he's made a terrible mistake. Stream or download it here!

2006-01-06T14:29:00.000-05:00

I usually don't post links to other sites on this blog, but this is just too delicious!

2005-12-29T00:07:00.000-05:00

Cheesies-T,Goo-Fiest and me put our uniforms on (woven belts, jean shorts and white clown make-up) and performed in the first ever Hannafest. Hannafest was named after some woman who died of food poisoning, but the crowd was E-LECTRIC! And alive. Our set came right in between The Compson Twins (bluegrass) and We Won't Touch Your Stuff (just some gay guy at a piano), but the crowd was really into our unique style of horror-clown shock rap. We started with "Git Rid O U Funky" and did a flawless segue into "Spank the Police." During "Pussy With a Hard-on," we did our famous acapella homage to Smokey Robinson's "Tears of a Clown" (Chees is a big fan) and at the end of the set we brought it legit with "Monkeys Luvin' Ducks!" That last one cleared the mutha-fucking room yall! We raised over 13 dollars for the Hanna Died of Food poisoning Fund (sounds like one of those gay-ass emo bands doesn't it?) and managed to only spend 10 of those dollars on beer and vanilla flavored cigarettes. We spent the end of the night all three vomiting into the same toilet (our apartment only has one) and kind of making out with each other. How can you top a night like that? Jeez...Sometimes I think life is almost worth living.

2005-12-25T22:18:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I had a good Christmas this year. I went home to spend the hollydays with my parents and I had the best time! I saw Manny for the first time in 3 years last night when I went to the crappy Christmas Eve party at Loco's on West Market St. If you've ever been to Loco's, you know that they let two or three guys dance on stage each night. Well, last night who did I see dancing? It was Manny! Of course I didn't talk to him...I couldn't bring myself after what happened between us. He still owes me a little money and I still owe him a BIG explination! So I came back to my parent's house and found the shoes Manny left there in high school and the smell brought back so many memories that I just broke down crying. I decided to burn the shoes and just get manny out of my life forever. So I went outside and set them on fire at around 3am. The fire got really big and stained the porch, but they're just a lump of rubber now. I hope he doesn't want them back. Also, I made some snowflakes for the hearth at home. They're really great. If I had my camera, I'd take a picture and show you all. Wish you could have been here.

2005-12-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

Man, did you guys ever find out that someone close to you wasn't really who you thought they were? That happened to me yesterday. I was in this store and I was walking beside Rodney. He said "let's go into the garden center" and I said "uh...ok" and I walked into the garden center. So I was walking around in the garden center, not knowing what to look at just looking around, thinking that Rodney was right beside me. There was this person browsing beside me that looked just like Rodney out of the corner of my eye. I was bored so I found this garden troll and a water hose and pretened that the troll was sucking on the water hose like it was a penis. When the troll came to completion I made orgasm sounds and flicked the water out of the hose onto the guy I THOUGHT was Rodney! BUT IT WASN'T RODNEY! IT WAS A GAY MAN!!!....It turns out Rodney didn't even go into the garden center and the gay man was really a not very gay security guard. I ran to the car only to find Rodney getting a blowjob from a guy with a mustache and an Atlanta Braves hat. I never dreamed Rodney would ever show himself like that, you know? When your best friend turns out to be a gay asshole, how can you live with yourself anymore? Well, life goes on I suppose. I hope next time we go to the garden center I can show Rodney the trick where I make the little troll come on a security guard!

2005-12-19T17:41:00.000-05:00

If somebody asks you what your "masturbation schedule" looks like, how should you respond?

I don't know either, yet I was asked precisely this question at the movie theater last night. Let me explain.

I had gone to see the final local showing of Undead Judgment. If you haven't heard of Undead Judgment, it does for organ donation what I Am Sam does for letting retarded people have custody of their children. It makes you not want to do it. It also does for really crazy Christians what Narnia did for crazy Christians. It takes a perfectly good movie and makes it annoying to watch in a theater.

Undead Judgment is, first and foremost, a zombie movie--but it's got one hell of a twist. In this zombie movie, all the zombies are Christians who have died "in Christ," and risen again. They used to turn the other cheek, now they're kicking heathen ass! But the movie's not really about kicking heathen ass, it's really about the plight of one poor zombie who signed an organ donor card and ended up giving his eyeballs to some poor sap who needed eyeballs. Well, the zombie no longer has eyeballs and so he can't see when he's resurrected. It's kind of sad really. He mostly just walks around bumping into stuff until he meets a little Jewish girl and her dog who teaches him about diversity and leads him around so he can do zombie missions sent to him in dreams. Don't let the subject matter scare you away. Like Narnia, this movie really isn't about Jesus kicking ass. It's about zombies. But don't tell that to the really crazy Christians that I mentioned earlier.

After the movie I was standing outside with my friend Rodney and a guy walks up to me and says "Hey, I saw you in Undead Judgment. What did you think?" I said what I always say in situations like this: "It was pretty good." Boy, was that a mistake.

"Yeah man, I really loved it too. Did you make any decisions during the movie?"

"Wha?"

"Did you make any decisions about your life during the movie?"

"Um...I don't think so."

"It really made me think about what side of the End Times I want to be on."

FIRST of all, we're all on THIS side of the End Times. We don't have a choice. It hasn't happened yet. There's nothing we can do about it. "Do you want to be a zombie?"

"Well, the zombies really are allegories for the dead in Christ."

"Right, right"

"Are you a Christian?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to be a zombie."

"It's just a movie about zombies, Christians aren't really zombies."

"I know, I'm a Christian."

"What's your masturbation schedule like?"

"Ummmmmm"

"You know, masturbation destroys your soul. It causes blindness, deafness and lowered sperm count. I like to keep a schedule to keep myself accountable. I share it with a couple guys in my Bible study. If I'm masturbating too much, they'll pull me aside and rebuke me."

No shit. "Mmm, hmmm."

"You know, Jesus says that if your eye causes you to sin, you should pluck it out. But you also gotta think that you'll need that eye in the end times...so you want to do all you can to keep that eye man. And if you pluck that one eye out, who's to say your other eye is not going to cause you to sin? Best to nip it in the bud, you know?"

"Wow"

"I gotta go man, but if you want to learn more about the End Times, you should come to this."

He hands me a pamphlet.

"Uh, ok. Later"

"God Bless man."

Here's what the pamphlet said:

Ever want to know what happens when you're dead?

Maybe you should be more concerned with what happens when you're not dead!

Arthur Tiddy Ministries presents a later days ministry presentation:

THE END OF ALL: A SURVIVAL MANUAL

How to make your way in the NEW days of Christ

Thursday: PHYSICAL PURITY AND THE ARMY OF GOD

Friday: THE MOST EMBARRASSING PREDICAMENT: DON'T GET CAUGHT-UP MASTURBATING

Saturday: WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LIVE WITHOUT A LIVER: RESURRECTION AND DARKER SIDE OF ORGAN DONATION

Sunday: JESUS IS THE ANSWER, BUT THE QUESTION IS: (find out on this day!)

2005-12-08T23:21:00.000-05:00

For those of you coming to the holiday party at my place tomorrow, here's a list of things we WON'T be needing (this one's for you Rodney):

-Rodney (haha JK!)

-The Heroes of Desert Storm Commemorative Plates

-anus forks

-rice

-chinese broccoli

-roaches (eww!)

-david allen grier (i'm not joking rodney, you can't bring him!)

-pornography (that's for the party on SATURDAY night)

-Little Louie Anderson chopstick holders

-worship music

-the garfield christmas special (we already have it)

-corn of any kind

2005-10-31T22:12:00.000-05:00

Honest to God real upcoming episodes of Maury:

-I'm 13 years old and I want to adopt a Chinaman!

-Maury! I peed in my pants in line at the DMV!

-I'm stuck in a well and I want some pizza!

-Help Maury! I've got a primordial dwarf in my cootch!

2005-10-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

You guys know that I do temp. work from time to time. Well today I got a call from trusty old TRC saying that they had a one day job for me if I could do it today. Needless to say, I took it.

It was at a place called KinderKoncepts and I had NO IDEA what to expect. When I got there, they told me that I would be entering data on potential child actors into a huge database of child actors. What I ACTUALLY did, was enter data into the database for the 10 kids that showed up to the big casting call today (I'm told it was poorly advertised; usually they get hundreds of kids) and, since the parents were told that the casting call would take all day, I had to BABYSIT 7 kids for the rest of the day until their parents came back.

These kids were precious. Little Weston had me in stitches with his (or maybe her) imitation of an alligator in Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Unfortunately, little Aundrea MaKenna (she insisted I call her Aundrea MaKenna, her first and middle name, or she wouldn't let me change her diaper) was the only black child in the bunch and Weston kept "attacking" her, "cause mummy says dats what al-gaytas do to blacksies." Believe me, it was funny. The male twins, Tyler and Tayler gave me the sweetest picture of their family: T and T (that's what their dad called them) were standing in front of their house while their dad was sitting in a car with their mom (I think) and they were both waving at some other lady who was hanging from a tree by her neck. She was smiling though. That was actually pretty odd. The female twins, Katelynne Marie and Suz (pronounced Sooz), did each other's make-up and then tap-danced while humming the theme songs to Suddenly Susan and Victoria's Closet, but they called them "daddy's sexy songs." I don't know what that means. By far my favorite kid to babysit today was little Sassy. That's right, she IS every bit as cute as her name and she is a JEWEL. When her dad came to take her home she kicked him in the shin and said that I was her new daddy. Isn't that sweet? And all because I gave her a cupcake and told her she had the pretty hair. She said, "Daddy says my hair is limp and lifeless, will you be my new daddy?" I said no, but that she could stay with me for a while if she needed some time away from her daddy. Keep your fingers crossed!

2005-10-02T01:14:00.000-05:00

Well, it's 2:11 AM and Rodney STILL hasn't called! We were supposed to go see Robin Hood: Men in Tights at the campus cinema and WTF? It was a midnight showing and it started at MIDNIGHT!!! We've probably missed the whole thing already, but if he would just call me now, we could probably make the after party at Daniel's house. I guess I could go by myself, but that's NOT the point! I waited for Rodney to call until it was too late to see the movie, and now I feel like I just wasted the whole f*cking night. Have friends really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? *sighs*

I'm sorry guys, I'm depressed and I know I'm showing a bad side of myself tonight, but sometime I just wish someone would look out for my needs. I'm always looking out for Rodney and Alex and Darrius and even Michelle sometimes, but what about me? I mean, Rodney wouldn't have ANY friends if I hadn't introduced him to Mike and all those soccer players! I'm sorry guys, you know I love you all. I just need some time to work this stuff out.

Thanks for reading.

Jonathan

2005-09-27T17:00:00.000-05:00

Reflections After Jessica

This story is based on a true story about this girl I knew named Jessica.

Anyway, I was at The Lonely Beluga (it's a sports bar in Cary. I know I know!, but they have GREAT Mojitos) with my friend Rodney and I saw this girl that I went on a few dates with in '03. Her name was Jessica and she had the most beautiful red hair that you've ever seen (this side of Gabe). It's really too bad that most of the population doesn't like red-heads, cause this girl was stunning in addition to having beautiful red hair. Anyway, I had a couple in me (99 cent mojitos on Wednesdays!) and I decided to take a chance and see what she was up to.

It started out really well. When she saw me she got this look on my face like she was a little surprised, but excited to see me. We were talking about what has gone on in our lives in the last 2 years. I told her about the demise of Cardboard Celebrities and how I've been awarded a grant for my art installation project where I collect brochures advertising art installations and use them to make a papier-mache dildo that I insert into a real doll brand real doll. Jessica pointed out that a papier-mache dildo wouldn't be very comfortable and I pointed out that a real doll isn't actually real and we both had a good laugh. I don't know what it was about this girl, but it just seems like she WANTED to like me! All of my opinions were the exact opinions that she had or were very similar to her opinions. She didn't even blink an eye when I told her my views on space exploration and she said she'd never thought of sending all the Gays into space but she thought that maybe they could spruce it up a bit.

Anyway, then Rodney came over and ruined the whole thing. He said he was puking up blood and that he needed to go to the hospital. He wouldn't even let me get her phone number. And the worst part is this part: The doctor pumped Rodney's stomach and found not one drop of blood. I guess it was marinara sauce from the pepperoni pretzels or something. Oh well, I guess it's all for the best. I Remembered today why we broke up in the first place. She doesn't like baseball. What a c**t!

2005-09-27T14:29:00.000-05:00

I was playing with my lady who falls through bubbles and I got this vague feeling of disgust with myself. The feeling lingered for about 30 min. and I just couldn't shake it! So I stopped playing with my bubble lady and just sat in my chair thinking for so long that my lady got stuck on a bubble. I pulled her off of the bubble and flung her into the air. That was satisfying, but what I was thinking about was STILL DISTURBING ME! Then it hit me: IT'S 4:30! WHY AM I NOT WATCHING ELLEN!

So i jumped out of my chair and ran to the TV. In the process I kicked over my guitar (it's ok) and there was Ellen. She was talking to Roger Ebert about the Lilo and Stitch cartoon show. I've never watched the Lilo and Stitch cartoon show, but Ellen loves it.

That night I was at my favorite watering hole playing beavers with Rodney and Alex when I remembered my bubble lady. She was probably stuck on a bubble again, but I coudn't do anything about it. The last time I ducked out in the middle of a game of beavers Rodney pretended that there was a "bug or a stain or something" on my shirt the next time we saw each other. He got real close to it and then he FUCKING BIT MY NIPPLE. HARD. I'm not going through that shit again.

So we finished our game of beavers and I forgot all about the bubble girl again. By this time it was 2:15 and Stubs's was closing but Rodney and Alex and I weren't even tired. So we were begging Adoh (sp?) (pronounced A-Dough), the bartender that night, if he would stay and let us drink for a little while longer. He wouldn't, but he said we could come by his place and party with him and his roommate. Well, I don't know where your from, but around here, party means weed. So we go and, sure enough, Adoh and his roommate Mr. Wallemyer (i didn't catch his first name) light it up right when we walk in the door. Me and Rodney are super stoked, but Alex has a thing about weed and he gets all whiny and shit. Mr. Wallemyer takes me aside and says he'll take care of Alex if we want him too and i say "boy howdy" (I was high) and Mr. Wallemyer takes out these pills and slips 2 of them in Alex's drink. Then he tells Alex that he got this statue of Admiral Ackbar (sp?) that sings the ABC's and Alex thinks that's kind of cool so he goes to Mr. Wallemyers room to see it and doesn't come out for like, all night! Alex actually is not returning my phone calls anymore. So Rodney and me and Adoh smoke up all night until Rodney falls asleep and Adoh pulls his dick out and puts it on Rodney's face and looks at me and starts laughing like he was saying "look at me, I've got my dick on Rodney's face? Aren't I cool? don't you want to put your dick on Rodney's face?" but before he could ACTUALLY say all this, I said I had to go to the bathroom and I went outside. When I got outside I just kept on walking until I got to my car and then I just drove home. I don't like driving in that condition, but DAMN! Adoh was getting kind of weird, you know? Rodney called me the next day was kind of mad and wanted me to pick him up, so i did. To make it up to him I took him to IHOP and gave him a pancake from my Rootie Tootie Fresh and Frootie and he kind of forgot about being mad. He got some whipped cream on his face and I started laughing (i just couldn't help it!), but he never found out why I thought that was so funny. So I get home from THERE around 4:30 pm the next day because Rodney has to go to dumbass Post-Colonial Gay-Ass Literature class. When I realized that I missed half of Ellen again. This time she was talking to Antonio Banderas about the new Zorro movie (could be good--I'll prolly see it). After it was over I turned on the monitor to my computer and there was bubble lady. she was stuck on a bubble and I pulled her off and let her drop for a while. then she got stuck again and I flung her across the screen and she flopped around and it made me kind of sick so I stopped. by then it was time for jepardy (sp?) and me and matt watched that.

2005-09-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

Being that Sallie and I wanted to see a movie, I went to see Junebug yesterday and it was a good movie. I got the bestest joke out of it too. The joke was not actually in the movie, but it was said by one of the characters in the movie who said "if i were a phillips head screwdriver, where would i be?" and a lady behind me said "getting screwed."

I hope you enjoyed my opening paragraph. It is an homage to section 002 of T102 (can I get a whoop whoop?!). It really happened though.

Also happened were these things:

-I saw a man standing in front of whole foods with the cutest sign. It said "Homeless -N- Hungry." I know the man was just trying to get something to eat, but i think he might have given me the name of my new country band. Perhaps Matt will co-lead sing with me and we can hire some backing musicians. I want to be "Homeless" (for obvious reasons). Matt can be "Hungry."

-I read this article. It includes the following paragraph:

"I'm not racist or anything," he said. "It's just, some people I hate, some people I don't get along with. And black people just happen to be the ones because they think they're better than everyone else."

2005-09-03T15:55:00.000-05:00

I appologize. I have been informed that the song in my last post was not, in fact, by Spacehog. It's actually by Steeler's Wheels. I guess the Spacehog version is a cover?

Yesterday I was at work and a lady came in asking for a man that works in our office. Lets call him "Gerald." So, I go to get Gerald. I'm walking quickly around the corner as somebody in Gerald's office is yelling "I said www.geraldp@bukake.com!" As I round the corner, I start smiling the kind of smile a twelve year old smiles when he sneaks into his first R-rated movie and I feel a joy that I have not felt in quite some time. Before I know it, I've rounded the corner and I'm staring Gerald in the face, smiling, and stuttering, "Um...Twila want to talk to you...up front." Gerald, to his credit, looked horrified. When he came to talk to Twila, It was all I could do to keep from laughing. I had a big goofy smile on my face the whole rest of the damn day.

2005-08-24T23:46:00.000-05:00

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

Elmo stole my bike. What?!?

--Meticulous Misery by Spacehog

2005-07-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

It's been a while folks, but i have good news. I've just completed work on my first cartoon short! It's called "Screaming Innocence" and it's featured by my good friends at fabrica!

here's the link

2005-06-27T09:40:00.000-05:00

Beck is a Scientologist?

In related news, Beck's mother has/had a friend named Vaginal Davis.

Read the article and find out for yourself!

2005-06-24T10:19:00.000-05:00

Little known fact:

-Willow Drive used to be known as Toilet Street!

"hmm toilet street was always more catchy but i guess the guys are right....they'll always be toilet street to me *sniff*"

--tigerlilytori (from the Willow Drive website)

AMAZING and TRUE!!!

2005-06-23T13:21:00.000-05:00

I found this blog and i thought it was kind of cool. Just neat is all.

2005-06-22T18:31:00.000-05:00

I recently received this message from a person who will remain nameless:

"It's a lovely story on your blog. Very touching. But, truthfully, I'd kind of like it to stop touching me now. It's nothing, just a personal space thing. I mean, it was fine at first, but the story needs to know when enough is enough. Could you please ask it? But nicely, I don't want to hurt its feelings."

My answer:

No. No, I cannot ask my story to stop touching you. If you ask it yourself then maybe it will stop and perhaps actually start to learn when to stop touching people. I agree that the story is a bit much, but the only way it can grow is through honest interaction--honest interaction that cannot take place if people aren't up-front and honest with it. You may hurt its feelings, but you'll also give it a gift worth far more than politeness.

In other news, there's a bear on the loose!!!

2005-06-22T18:23:00.000-05:00

Jared Leto Drew a pig!

2005-06-21T23:12:00.000-05:00

I saw Matt's pig, so I drew a pig too.

2005-06-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

This afternoon, as I was sitting on my porch, smoking a stale cigar, and contemplating my past failures, I saw an insect crawling on the ivy. It was about the size and shape of a ladybug, kind of fuzzy, and its color approximated bird shit. It had a large (for its size) white eye with an iris that lazily circled around until it rested on me. When it saw me it leaped onto my knee and started making a purring sound not unlike a very tiny cat. Upon seeing this creature I realized that my life would never be the same. I am now embarking on a promising career in either office assistance or produce and have hope for the future. I've had experiences like this in the past and I know that the change in my life will be profound and permanent. My little friend only stayed for a few precious moments and then leapt onto a passing Armenian maintenance worker who is preparing the apartment adjacent to mine for my new neighbor's arrival in a few days. I look forward to meeting the new neighbors and to discussing the tiny creature with the maintenance worker after an happenstance future meeting or in whatever afterlife awaits us.

2005-05-28T22:17:00.000-05:00

In times like these, i'm reminded of what George Burns once said to aonther man. he said: "I can't help making excuses for my government and my government can't help excusing itself to make." That dude is still alive y'all.

2005-05-27T23:33:00.000-05:00

I was recently cornered by a reporter from the NCSU Technician and asked about my most recent hobby of thinking disturbing thoughts. I didn't ask how the reporter from the Technician knew that I was thinking disturbing thoughts because I supposed he overheard me talking to my friend Harold about this very subject at the Jackpot bar. The Jackpot bar is a place that I have been on a few occasions and if you've been there you know what i'm talking about. Anyway, the reporter asked me about my disturbing thoughts and what, specifically, they are about. I told them that they were about politics and he quickly changed the subject. I then told him the truth. Here it is:

"The world is a lie. Your parents brought you into the world with the best of intentions, but they lied to you by having sex with each other. Yes, even the very act of CONCEIVING you was an act of treason against the truth. If you ever doubt that, just look inside yourself and you will see that it is so. The world is a lie. From preschool on up to high school you have not really learned, you have been taught. think about that for a second! You have been taught everything that THEY want you to know? Who are they? Well don't ask them! They'll lie to you! they say that they are your teachers and your parents and your fellow students but they are really your jailers and perhaps your fellow captives! The irony of it all is that we are all fellow captives, even if we are sometimes captives that get shit on and sometimes captives that shit on. If you doubt this for a second--even a brief second--ask your heart. Your heart will not lie to you, if you can find it. Can you find it? You can't even fucking find your own heart! They taught it away from you! it's not their fault, really. What is a heart anyway? But, if you could find it, it would speak just as i say. FUCK! Don't even get me started about the government. I am afraid to write what I know, but oh I know so much more than you. FUCK! Perhaps you know as much as me, but you only have to know oh so very little to know it's not worth discussing. And the light. Yes the light that you see... The secret light that you see that you don't tell people about. That light that keeps you awake at night and sometimes allows you to sleep. That light that you see in the eyes of your friends and perhaps your children if you have them. That light that, in moments like this, in moments when you can't help letting your guard down, in moments when you fall flat into the mud, spilling your heart, soul, or whatever you want to call your selfhood onto the muddy ground for anyone and everyone to see, keeps you from spiting and cursing and throwing shit at everything important to you. That light that makes you go at the last possible crucial moment when you wish you could just stay. That light that tells you you aren't alone. The one that lies. The one that looks you up and down and FUCKING LIES to you. It sees your inside. It sees what is you. And it lies. It tells you what you hear, whether you need or want it too. It just does. It speaks and so it lies. This whole fucking world is lies. Now I know what your thinking. You're thinking "what am i to do?" FUCK YOU! Do? What are you to do? Don't ask me, ask the light. It TELLS you. You just listen to it. You HAVE to listen to it. What can you do? You can do something, but i can't tell you. You do have a choice, but i don't know it. Maybe you don't even have it, i don't know. What else do you have? What is there in your life but that light? The light lies to you and you know it. When it utters, it lies. it contradicts itself. It says things you know can't be true. It says things you hear though, and nobody does that anymore. I'm right aren't I? You haven't heard anything in a long, long time. But you hear the light, and you listen to it. and it makes you live. It puts you where you are and makes you feel whatever it is that you do feel. you can't stop it and you can't betray it. It just is. It's all that you know. follow it. breath it in. fight against it! be damned with it, be saved by it, do as it wills and spit in its face. create your own little light and manipulate other people. it's up to you if you can do these things. if not, you're blessed, friend. you're blessed."

I don't know if he'll print it or not, but i guess it felt good to say it. I guess it feels good to say it again where all my closest friends are sure to read it. I guess that's all.

jonathan

2005-05-27T23:27:00.000-05:00

It's that time again; that time that comes only once ever three years. What time? That time that stands up to scrutiny and doesn't yeild to procrastination. Yes, that time. The time where i blow your mind without even trying. It only happens once every three years, but it would be to all of our runiations if it didn't happen now.
Three years ago I was a man adrift; a poet in a dark and black sea. I was a mariner on this sea, but also the vessel. Wonder how I got to land? Well friends, I didn't. The last time I blew your mind I was in the same position as this one: hungry.
Hungry for what you ask? Hungry for food. The only kind of food that really matters. Not dog food or human food. Not ice cream or Oranges. Not juice of any kind. Just Hungry.
Today I went for a long walk and then an even longer one, but what will blow your mind is what I didn't do: today I didn't die. Why should this blow your mind you may ask? well, it's because I was almost run over by a car. Yes, a car. On the way to my destination, a car came quite close to me.
But I'm fine, friends.
Thanks for reading this.

2005-05-26T19:18:00.000-05:00

Today I went for a walk and almost got attacked by a dog, but the dog was wearing one of those electic collers so it had to stop about 5 feet from me after running after me and barking at full speed. It scared me, but in the end I gave the dog the finger. Well, I thought about it anyway. I don't blame the dog. Also, as I was walking I saw a guy get out of the car to walk towards his house as his wife was pulling out of the driveway. He stoped her for a second and then said something and then she pulled away really fast and he yelled "Pizza?" real loudly and looked flustered. He then looked at me and said "I can't keep up with her" and all I could do was smile at him. I thought about it later and I think the best thing to say in that situation would be "sucks." I wish I had just said "sucks" instead of smiling like a dumbass.

Things I thought about saying to the man after I smiled at him like a dumbass:

1. "sorry" (my first instinct...glad i supressed it)
2. "Ha" (actually what i tried to say but my mouth wouldn't open)
3. "cool"
4. "sorry dude" (no better than sorry)
5. "sucks dude" (this one made me laugh for three houses)

actually, "sucks" seems to be kind of condescending. maybe i should have said "that sucks man." At one time in my life i would have said "blessing be," but that was several years ago. I feel so removed from that person now. Those of you that knew me at that time in my life will understand when i say that i kind of miss that person sometimes. Yes he was thinner and yes he had more hair, but he cared about people more than i do and had less back hair. Sure, I have way better taste in music and I know what size shoes I wear now (sadly, for many years i didn't), but that Jonathan was a special person. He's the guy who introduced me to Degrassi Junior High, M.A.S.K. and the B'ai Faith, but he's also the guy who told me I didn't like mushrooms, onions and Tom Waits (he was wrong about all of those). Oh look, there's another episode of Joey on tonight! bye.

2005-05-15T10:52:00.000-05:00

well, I gotta get going. I'll see you later. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, you've got this blue-green aura hovering around your head. It's really beautiful. I've been enjoying it all night. It was really good to meet you. You're so beautiful. Later dude!

2005-05-04T16:58:00.000-05:00

Fellowes! I just found this funny web-cite of jokes to cure yore ails and not give gas or head-hurt! You will lafe yore hip off! (don't miss "I am the sewer") Only in China!!!.

2005-04-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw a dog on the side of the road with a bag on its head. It was really sad. It seems some dog got a bag stuck on his head and then got hit by a car or something. You just never think you're ever going to see something like that do you? Huh. It sure beat all I tell you what.

2005-04-16T10:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't realize how explicit the link in my last post actually was when i posted it. Consider this your warning.

2005-04-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

This one's for Nick.

2005-04-12T12:18:00.000-05:00

Free Stuff!!!

The Not Happys are giving away free stuff! Go check it out at their blog: nothappenings.blogspot.com

2005-04-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

Moma Cook has never been so proud!

2005-04-06T10:29:00.000-05:00

ok, i don't have much to say today, but here goes.

I don't really want to be talking shit about anyone, but Dennis Miller said something a couple of nights ago that really got my goat. he was talking to some close advisor to gwbush or something and he said something like "i really like the bush man, you should tell him to change his website to www.w.com--the country would get a real kick out of that."

would they really mr. miller?

an open letter to dennis miller

Dear Mr. Miller,

I have been following your career for some time now. I have never been a big fan of your comedy, but I have laughed at it on more than one occasion, and I have respected what I know about you as a person. I even make a point to watch a little of your current show on CNBC from time to time because it is refreshing to see a conservative entertainer that isn't Tom Selleck. While I don't agree with your politics, I generally respect your opinions. But what you said two nights ago was not funny. And your show is not funny. I appreciate that you are trying to be funny, but you are not. Good day.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Cook

2005-04-05T16:01:00.000-05:00

band names that i wish that i had made up:

lasers on heroin
tales of woah (christian band i remember from way back)
skaraping gum (ska band made up of kids in my high school)
terracotta urn (chrisitan ska band)
manfred man
poisen brains
fart lord
creative colon
turd jewelry
gross and gross (adult contemporary)
rape machine
rape face
rape array
sorry

2005-03-31T23:27:00.000-05:00

Thomas Jefferson-"Castrate Homosexuals!"

Serial killers, government tyrants, academic liberals, Catholic priests, politicians, Mormon Church higher-ups, Jewish rabbis, environmental extremists, communists, religious heretics, mass murderers, occultists, spies, and the Illuminati share something hideous and grotesque in common. Almost all are homo-sexual.

2005-03-16T10:57:00.000-05:00

How come you never hear people talking about how much they love kathy griffin? That's kind of wrong don't you think?

2005-03-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

hmm

2005-02-23T12:56:00.000-05:00

Here's something that happened to me not so long ago:

I went to see this one guy perform Macbeth with a bunch of ninja figurines. It was cool. we sat in seats around the small stage and used toy binoculars to see the action. at the end, the show was over. nobody clapped for about 2 minutes. we just sat there and looked at the dark stage. the dude that was manipulating the ninjas just sat there. I was very uncomfortable, so i thought i was going to start laughing. Actually, it was really funny too. I thought about clapping, but then i didn't want the weirdness to end. What if we had sat there for 20 min.? wouldn't that be awesome?

And to all the hippies that have complained about all the hippy jokes: get over yourself you fucking hippies....fucking hippies.

2005-01-27T17:43:00.000-05:00

Forget about all the other stupid shit on this stupid blog, it's time to introduce the latest "joke" sensation: the "Fucking Hippy" joke.

Examples:

Q-Why did the fucking hippy cross the road?

A-He left his little baggy of marijuana at his looser friend Twinkle's place, which is a van parked across the street in the fucking K-Mart parking lot.

Q-What makes a fucking hippy so good at keeping his fucking cool?

A-His underwear has lots of fucking holes in it...and the pee stains don't hurt either.

Q- Why do fucking hippies eschew the use of personal hygiene products?

A- They're losers. They lost and we won. fucking hippies.

Q-How many fucking hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A-14. Fucking hippies are so dumb that it takes 14 fucking hippies to screw in a lightbulb.

2004-10-16T15:57:00.000-05:00

Hey! So why not do a blog entry?!

I finally got a job! It started Monday and this is what I do: I take names and phone numbers (and a few other things) that are printed on sheets of paper and type them into a spreadsheet. Why am I doing this? Because they are paying me. I honestly don't know any more than that, and I don't care too. It's kind of the perfect job for me for these reasons:

1. My bosses, as well as my co-workers, leave me alone and hardly ever talk to me. I just listen to my CDs and AM radio in my isolated cubicle. I love this because, in general, I don't like people. I don't dislike people, and there are some people I like a great deal, but, on the whole, I have little use for most people. If they ever needed me to help them, I would be happy to (well...Maybe not as happy as I should be), but I don't generally like to be bothered. This is not the way I have always been, but lately I've grown kind of grumpy. If you are reading this, its a pretty good bet that I like you a great deal. It's not hard to get me to like you, just show a genuine interest in me or in things that I'm interested in. But, you know, I won't be upset if you don't. It's really none of my business.
2. I have everything I need to do my job and I know exactly what is expected of me.

3. I can come to work anytime between 8 and 10 am and leave anytime that would give me around 40 hours a week.

4. I get paid pretty well for this.

5. It's not a permanent job, so I have the comfort of knowing that it won't last all that long.

6. I can listen to music and talk radio.

Unfortunately, this new job, coupled with Matt's new job, my thesis efforts, and various other things conspires to make very little time for Matt and I to hang out. This means that the Not Happys are kind of Not Happening (tee hee boo hoo), to say nothing of Live Nude Mice. But do not despair, I will make a concentrated effort this week to get a few Not Happys songs recorded to add to Matt's choice selection of musical tracks and together we will rock your socks off with some sort of free or low priced e.p. in the near future. Also, all who helped with the Live Nude Mice project (sigh), will get to see it very soon. I swear.

in other music news,

The Christy Smith Band (will they ever have a real name?) apparently are doing some things,

Jon Morgan has a new song about George Bush that sounds really cool (conceptually; he never actually remembered how it went so I never was able to hear it) and his robot ep is finished and is highly recommended (by me), and...

Nathan Finke's Rainbow Unicorn Somethinganother is off and running and sounds like it might be a metal band.

Shout outs to Jon Morgan for a kickin' party.

Yours,

Jonathan

P.S. I have not given up on the Not Happys, and I'm sure Matt has not either. Keep your ears peeled and you'll get an earfull of something good soon I promise.

2004-09-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Mrs. Youngblood,

First period was pretty good today. They were kind of loud and they wouldn't get quiet, but I really can't say that I blame them; they knew the work you gave them to do was bullshit. I felt bad, but I made them do it.

The second period kids were better behaved, but that's probably because they were freshmen and weren't aware of all they could actually get away with. You apparently didn't tell them they had to turn in their worksheets today so I gave them some time to do it in class. I'm sorry; I don't mean to accuse you. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I do believe that they are really starting to resent you for being out so much. They really don't seem to know what's going on or what you expect from them. I'm sure there's a good reason for your absence though.

Third period was great. You have planning, so the sub secretary (she's very nice. you should send her a gift basket) suggested I go to the library. I did and I had a nice read.

Duncan was a few seconds late for fourth period. I didn't quite know what I should do about that. Usually I don't do anything, but sometimes that sends the students the "you can walk all over me" vibe. Luckily, I didn't have to do anything. Duncan walked in and introduced himself.

"Good morning (looks at my name tag) J. Cook, my name is Duncan."

When I shook his hand I felt an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. A moment later I realized he was missing the pinky finger on his right hand. My body knew that something was weird about Duncan before I had time to think about it. It was this odd grotesque feeling that just naturally accompanies the awareness of anything that's out of the ordinary. Grasping his knuckle and realizing that there was no finger attached to it...I don't know...I had a visceral reaction to it. It only lasted a split second though, and I think I hid it well. Part of me wondered if he was doing it on purpose as a kind of test or just to make me uncomfortable...to see how I would react. I wouldn't blame him if he were testing me, actually, but I don't think that was it. I think he's just very outgoing.

Anyway, I tried to threaten the class to make them stay on task, but I quickly realized that they didn't care what I told you about their behavior and that I didn't blame them. Most of them stayed on task anyhow, and the ones that didn't probably didn't need to. I had an awkward conversation with Duncan and a couple of black girls about Jay-Z. Duncan doesn't like Jay-Z. I felt bad about leading them off topic and awkward talking to kids about music. I also made some ill-advised jokes, I think. Afterwards I saw Duncan outside the classroom and he guessed that my name is Jon and told me that I look familiar. I didn't tell him, but he reminds me of a student I once had. I have no idea where he would have met me before. It seemed a little magical (for lack of a better word) that we had a mutual feeling of recognition, like one of those coincidences that make you feel like maybe there is some reason that things happen. I guess it seemed that way cause I liked Duncan and it's nice to think that things mean something.

Thanks for letting me sub for your class,

Jonathan

2004-09-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

I went to the thrift store yesterday and bought five cassette tapes. They are all listed here along with one fake one. Try to guess which one is the fake one and leave a comment with your guess. The winner will win the fake cassette tape.

1. As Far As You Can Go Without a Passport: The View From the End of the Road - collection of "comments and Comic Pieces by Tom Bodett" from the motel 6 commercials (with music by Johnny B.)

2. The Time Squeeze: Finding the time to fit it all in - some sort of motivational tape

3. Smart Choices: Whatcha gonna do? - motivational tape "for teenagers"

4. The Littlest Leaguer - story (I think) by Syd Hoff

5. Riding to Rhythm: Music to Pace You, Subliminal Messages to Motivate You - "Great for Exercise Bikes or Cycling in the Country"

6. The Sounds Kids Love: Trains! - kids make train sounds for other kids (there are also stories about trains)

2004-09-21T19:33:00.000-05:00

Today I saw a praying mantis.

2004-09-11T00:17:00.000-05:00

This is the actual note that I left for Mr. Scott (the band director) today:

Mr. Scott,

2nd pd. was pretty good. They took a while to get settled, but no major problems.

3rd. pd. tried to leave early again, but otherwise they were fine...if a bit loud.

4th pd.- Why did God make these children? That's not a rhetorical question. Lionel said you let them make out in class. I assume that was a lie. Also, they broke one of the big drums I think. I couldn't tell who did it, but I'm pretty sure it was all of them.

Thank you for letting me sub for your class,

Jonathan Cook (sub)

2004-06-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

There is something that I've been wanting to say for quite a while now and it is this: "Girl, I've got a hot dog for you!"

2004-06-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

-----Radio Transcript from WYYY in Dayton, Ohio June 26th, 2004 1:00 am------

DJ RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALPH: Hey EVERYBODA, DJ RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALPH here taking over for Sexy Sarah Midnight here at the one o'clock hour and boy do I have a treat for you folks! Tonight I have here with me County music sensation Conway Snugglebottom, III and he's going to talk to me about his newest hit song "June 26-Remember the Day." But first, lets go ahead and play that song one more time...I know y'all love it!

June 26-REMEMBER THE DAY

by Conway Snugglebottom, III

Do you remember
26 years ago today
the King played his last concert
in that warm familiar way

Just three years earlier
a baseball hero was born
Derek Jeter lay in a bassinet
Let's hope that it was warm

Well I don't know
if this is true, but I like to think
Derek Jeter was at that concert too
that's where he learned to swing

I believe he said:

Hey Elvis Presley you're surely the best there is
And I want to be the best at something but I don't know what it is
Hey wait a minute, I remember swingin' that stick at some bees!
I think I'll go home and do that some more
and become the greatest base-ball player to ever live!

So little Derek
Went home and swung a stick at some bees
He later joined a baseball team
and learned the baseball 123s

And I remember
Looking down from heaven above
seeing that inspiring baseball player
and wishing I had a glove

I said:

I'm Elvis Presley
Star of rock and roll stage and screen
and that Derek Jeter's
the best base ball player I've ever seen
I can only hope, that I was as good as him....
And was the greatest singer that will ever live!

DJ RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALPH-WOAH DOG, now that's what I call a country song! Elvis, you WERE the best, but Conway Snugglebottom, III comes a close second in my book...and I've got him here with me now. Conway Snugglebottom, how DID you come up with such a killer idea for a song?

Conway Snugglebottom- Welp, I was watching the baseball game on TV and I decided that Derek Jeter is the King of the baseball world and I just really wanted to pay tribute to him in some way you know? I was watching the Yankee game and he just made this throw...and this catch...and then that time when he hit the ball that one time and he did that sensational thing...did you see that...well I just thought he was great and I wanted to find some way that I could relate to the king of baseball.

DJ- ...and what do you get when you think about kings, right?

CS- Exactly, it was either write a song about George W. Bush, the king of all presidents, or Elvis Presley, the King of all music!

DJ-And you chose the King. Outstanding song, It's just phenomenal...and gutsy too! What made you step out and sing from Elvis' point of view? Didn't you think you'd get sued?

CS-Nah, the Snugglebottom estate isn't hurtin' for legal council

DJ-Cause of the rape....

CS- ATTEMPTED rape...I was only convicted of attempted rape. They never found the semen.

DJ- Well thank God for small graces, right.

CS- As you know, I pray every day...

DJ- So the song is real for you. Elvis looking down from heaven...this is all real life. There is a heaven...

CS- And Elvis is certainly there and yeah, I know he probably looks down on Derek Jeter and just thinks "Damn, that kid's one fine ballplayer."

DJ- AMEN, hallelujah! Well, was Derek Jeter really born three years earlier to the day that the King played his last concert.

CS- Yes Ralph, that's just another example of God's grace. It was June 26th, 2003 when I was convicted of attempted rape and given my probation--no jail time, just time served--and I was one thankful Mother ****er let me tell you what! So I sat down to write a song. It just so happened that I was watching an Elvis special on CMT and had my baseball almanac open to the Derek Jeter page and when the announcer said "on June 26th, 1977, the King sung his last song on stage" I was looking at the entry for Derek Jeter's birthday, which is June 26th, 1974...and the rest is history Ralph.

DJ- That's RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALPH, and I'm here with Conway Snugglebottom and you're listening to WYYY and the answer is "'CAUSE IT'S COUNTRY"!!!

2004-06-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

2: Diedra
4rm: Jihad
12/13/03
11:32 pm

what's up I know I just got
off the phone with u but there is some
things I have to say first of I
thank you for calling losing u was all
I could think about. I wanted to
call u so bad but I didn't If I did u
could of seen my number on caller Id
and not pick up. well n-e-wayz another
reason I am writing is bk I want
to know I u feel about me u know
that I like u and I knew we ate best-
friend but I want to take it up a notch
I ask u out before but u never gave
me a answer, I won't to know do u
like me, or can u see us being togetha
again bk if u don't like me I'll will
quite asking u out. getting sleepy see
u Sunday.

luv,
Jihad

2004-06-24T15:14:00.000-05:00

Well folks, it's time for another installment of Jonathan's "Reasons to be Damned," an ever increasing list of reasons Jonathan would send you to Hell if he had the power. It is important to note that Jonathan's "Reasons to be Damned" are not the same as God's "Sins that Will Send You to Hell," but they might be similar. Now let's get to today's installment, "At the Grocery Store."

You may be sent to hell for these reasons:

39. You cut in line at the grocery store.
40. You take some produce or perishable item and place it, for whatever reason, behind the Coco Yum cereal so no one will find it before it rots and makes a horrible smell.
41. You lick your fingers before you put your hand in the free cookie bin and get two free cookies and then put one of them back.
42. You fart in the cheese isle.
43. You say "ew get away" when a perfectly decent looking customer asks you for a date even though you have lots of pimples and he just feels bad for you.
44. You take offence at being asked for a handjob when you know good and well you gave Matt Lawson a handjob when he went to the bathroom. That's right, he told me!
45. You give stupid excuses like, "I was on break" and "He gave me twenty dollars."
46. YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE CORRECT CHANGE FOR A $20!
47. Your pee smells like celery and you don't even flush.

2004-06-23T17:15:00.000-05:00

Time for a new type of joke. Are any of you familiar with the classic Fat Ass McGee joke? Well, basically it consists of a question like "Who ate all the pizza?" or "What's that smell?" and an answer, which is always "Fat Ass McGee." Let's look at some classic Fat Ass McGee Jokes...

We'll start with probably the most famous as well as the most rhetoricaly complex Fat Ass McGee joke:

-Who's the fattest cop in the doughnut shop?
-Fat Ass McGee!

This joke makes fun of police officers for being fat (from eating doughnuts) and for being Irish. It also makes fun of the fat Irish and doughnuts who get eaten by cops.

Our next FAM joke is usually performed with a Muhammad Ali style vocal inflection and many scholars, citing Ali's notorious hatred of the Irish and Fatties, claim that he invented this version of the joke himself:

-Who slurps up honey and sneezes out bees?
-Fat Ass McGee!

While this bearish Fat Ass McGee makes a fine foil for Ali's portrait of himself as an insect that "floats" and "stings," his authorship is far from a forgone conclusion. Recent research suggests that Ali once contributed to John F. Kennedy's election campaign and had sex with at least one Irish woman who may or may not have been a McGee.

Our next FAM joke delightfully, if confusingly, plays on the Irish love of fresh seafood:

-Who wanted to go to the aquarium and was disappointed at the selection of fresh seafood?
-Fat Ass McGee!

At first glance this joke implies that poor Mr. McGee wanted to eat the fish at the aquarium and, thus, simultaneously chastises him for being both a moron for thinking he could eat the aquarium stock and a glutton for not being satisfied with the stunning variety of seafood in the facility. However, I like to turn this joke on it's head, so to speak, and find in this joke an affirmation of the Irishman's love of diversity, a love we would all do well to cultivate. Also, it's important to note that this joke is believed to have originated in Boston, home of a wonderful aquarium as well as a bevy of portly Irishmen.

Our final FAM joke comes from a modern comedian and exemplifies many of the current trends in American comedy.

-Who's that sucking on my dick?
-Fat ass McGee!

I encourage you to try your own FAM joke and post it in my comments section.

2004-06-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

Nutrition is a very important part of a balanced diet. Here's a quiz that will help you determine if you are nutrition savvy!

1. Which food makes this meal balanced?

Hamburger Steak, French Fries, Tossed Salad, Red Apple, Cookies and...

A. Cole slaw
B. Corn
C. Milk
D. Sweet potatoes

And the answer is....

D. Sweet potatoes (to balance out the sourness of the French fries)

2. During pregnancy, nutrient needs increase as the fetus grows and develops. A pregnant woman should:

A. Eat foods high in calories and fat grams.
B. Increase amounts of minerals, protein, and vitamins.
C. Reduce caloric intake.
D. Use unlimited amount of tobacco and alcohol.

And the answer is...

D. Use unlimited amounts of tobacco and alcohol. (to insure proper retard development)

3. Because she doesn't drink milk, Lindsay is looking for ways to increase the amount of calcium in her diet. A serving of which food would provide the most calcium for Lindsay?

A. Bread
B. Hamburger
C. Potatoes
D. Yogurt

And the answer is...

D. Yogurt (yogurt has all the calcium a growing body needs, and it goes down easy too--just like Billy's jizz!)

4. What information does the Food Guide Pyramid provide?

A. Nutritional value of commonly eaten foods.
B. Range of servings that should be eaten from each food group.
C. Recommended menus for healthy living.
D. Amounts of specific nutrients needed daily by specific populations.

And the answer is...

D. Amounts of specific nutrients needed daily by specific populations. (e.g. Mexican need lots of beans to maintain that "healthy glow" that they're so famous for.)

5. Weight should be gained slowly and steadily by choosing foods that are low in fat and are nutrient-dense. To accomplish this:

A. Eat only once or twice daily.
B. Include plenty of high calorie protein foods.
C. Plan meals around foods a person likes.
D. Eat each meal quickly.

And the answer is...

D. Eat each meal quickly. (remember, follow the three Fs: Fast=Fat and Fabulous!)

6. Jake does not have time for breakfast this morning. What is the most nutritious food he could eat "on the run"?

A. Doughnuts and coffee with cream.
B. Leftover pizza and juice.
C. Peanut butter crackers and punch.
D. Fresh banana and cola.

This is on is tricky, but the answer is...

D. Fresh banana and cola. (mmmm--bananas 'n' cola!)

7. Jim wants to lose 12 pounds. What can he do to achieve his goal?

A. Eat foods high in sugar and fat.
B. Eliminate bread from his diet.
C. Reduce the amount of fiber he eats.
D. Chop off his hideous, misshapen ear.

And the answer is...

D. Chop off his nasty, smelly, oozing ear. (for the love of God do it already!)

8. In one day, a teenager should eat the most servings of which food group?

A. Vegetables
B. Bread, cereal, rice, and pasta
C. Meat, poultry, fish, eggs, dry beans, and nuts
D. Milk, yogurt, cheese, worms, bugs, rubber, and the alphabet

And the answer is...

A. Vegetables

9. Pamela has diabetes, whish is an incurable medical disorder. Her nickname is:

A. Pam
B. Pammy
C. Lady P
D. Fats

And the answer is...

D. Fats (Pamela is fat)

10. What happens if a person eats the same amount of food as an adult that he/she ate as a teen?

A. Weight will probably stay the same
B. Will most likely gain weight
C. Will probably lose weight
D. May become malnourished

And the answer is...

D. May become malnourished (jizz is not real food, kids!)

Ok, that's the end of the quiz, now score yourself!

If you missed 0-1 your pee probably smells (but that smell is just the extra nutrients!)
If you missed 2-4 you've got some eating to do!
If you missed 5-7 you better study up!
If you missed 8-10 you don't know vitamins and minerals from the jizz on your face!

2004-04-20T15:06:00.000-05:00

Today I feel shitty so this is in honor of everyone who's ever been stood up before:

What's grosser than gross?

-Eye sockets WITHOUT the eyeballs in them.

-broccoli with come on it.

-The Amazing See-Through Skin Man

-Hop on Pop's Penis

-The creepy ice cream shop owner who wrote Hop on Pop's Penis

-Hop on Pop's Penis: The Movie

-Nickelodeon's Goop with come in it

-Hair in your mouth

-Hair in my mouth

-*Drool*

In conclusion: I can stand up all by myself, thank you!

2004-04-18T21:36:00.000-05:00

More games that winners lose and losers also lose:

-Dungeons and Dragons

-Sexual Harassment

-Bobbing for bananas

-Horseback volleyball

-Spitin' on shit

-See who can yell the loudest

-Monopoly: Special Communist Block Edition

-Urine swordfighting

2004-04-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

Games in which even the winners lose:

-Pie eating contests

-dog racing

-counting boogers

-smell the poo

-hamster toss

-who's the creepyist

-pretend

2004-04-15T21:34:00.000-05:00

In honor of life:

What's cuter than cute?

-A dog trying to balance on a log to cross a very shallow stream.

-A winking pizza.

-Dan Rather rapping.

-"Life has never been this real."

-Poetry.

-A small child with an off color tattoo.

-A large child with sweet goo on his face and trousers.

-A peg leg with a kick stand.

-Racial slurs, but only coming from very small baby marsupials.

-Frequently Asked Questions.

-A stuttering robot joining a sports team.

-Some cars.

And in honor of death:

What's grosser than gross?

-Babies having babies.

-Cats eatin' cats.

-People smelling each other.

-Old people with goiters.

-Apple Dumpling Gang Green.

-John Denver Omelet.

-A vomelet.

2004-04-02T13:17:00.000-05:00

Hey folks, you guys should all visit my good friend Harold at Ohcanappleby.blogspot.com. He's a good kid...and, frankly, well, we all need to stand by our fellow human beings. Read the "mommy, mommy" jokes. You'll see what i mean. HEY HARRY!!! funny as hell man, funny as hell.

2004-03-31T16:39:00.000-05:00

Ah, the “mommy, mommy” joke. We all remember them. Me? I remember little Harold Canappleby sitting on the tire swing at Darling Devil’s day care school in Greenboro, NC telling “mommy, mommy” jokes until our parents came and picked us up and we had to leave him all by himself. One day my parents were late and he confided in that he sometimes continued to tell the jokes to small insects and passing squirrels even after all of us other kids had gone home. I thought that was creepy and told all the other kids that he was gay so we never really talked to him again…except for that time he gave me his original version of Storm Shadow because he got the new version. Our relationship worked that day because I liked to take advantage of people and he needed someone to play with (and, while the new Storm Shadow was cool, everyone knew the old Storm Shadow was the real Storm Shadow and the new one was an imposter. Remember, this was even before issues 458-687 of The Stupendous Adventures of Snake Eyes and Friends, issues 345-502 of G.I. Joe: Enemies, and the Fall and Winter of ’88 issues of Storm Shadow: Righteous Indignation revealed the whole sordid tale). Except for that day, he was usually seen playing with the My Little Pony kid (Let’s play cavalry my ass! G.I. Joes don’t have horses!... well except for in the short lived G.I. Joe: The Battle of 1812…but that was gay). Anyhow, whether you remember them or not, “mommy, mommy” jokes kicked ass and here are some that good old Harold Canappleby told me oh so long ago.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are those people running away from us?
Shut up! and shoot them!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are we having spaghetti again?
Shut up! before I pull the veins out of your other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s that?
Shut up! That’s my cooter!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you biting my neck?
Shut up! I can’t make a good clean puncture wound if you keep moving!

Mommy, Mommy! What’s crawling up my leg?
Shut up! That’s your dead father’s hand!

Anyone else know any “mommy, mommy” jokes? Post them on my new comments section!

Now reading: my blog
Now listening to: birds
Mood: blissful 

2004-03-30T12:36:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, the amazing has happened…I’ve become a man. Today at best buy I was browsing the “special interest” section, trying to find the ones with partial nudity in them and I saw it: Carmine Electra’s Naked Rangerz 2: Women on the Edge of Wyld. It’s about a group of women who save men and sometimes women and they are usually naked. Well, in this version they are fighting against a villainess who happens to be called Sabrina Wyld (hence the title). I won’t ruin the movie for you, but there is nudity and, since this is the first time I’ve seen a naked woman in a movie, I am now a man. Ok, time for some jokes:

What’s grosser than gross?
Bloddy snot!

What’s grosser than gross?
Broccoli with worms in it!

What’s cuter than cute?
Macaulay Culkin in a bath tub!

Now reading: Chicken Soup for the Abortionist’s Soul
Now Listening to: Days of Our Lives (from tv)

2004-03-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

Friends, have you ever wanted to see a puppy pirouette? Have you ever thought to yourself, “what’s that monkey thinkin’"?!! Have you ever felt the urge to ride a pig like a bicycle? Well now you can indulge in all of these fantasies and more! Sillyanimals.com is the first website ever that is dedicated to making animals silly. In fact, thier motto is "We make animals silly!" Created by the mysterious wAcKyDuCk just over a month ago, I have nothing to do with the creation of this website!

2004-03-24T12:20:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you something (from a list I found in my pocket):

1. I love you
2. You are 2 great
3. I’m thinking bout you
4. Let’s hold hands on the beach
5. Come on and feel the noise
6. Pick up sticks
7. You came from heaven
8. You are gr8
9. You are fine
10. You are a sin
11. I’m eatin’ a snickers bar thinkin’ of you
12. I’m eatin’ my corn flakes thinkin’ bout you
13 eatin’ some lettuce thinking bout you
14. you can be the first to go in my mouth.*

*This, along with some of the others, was actually in a love poem counting thing that I overheard on someone’s answering machine at work.

2004-03-21T12:03:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Brian for showing me that there is a certain economy to drinking alcohol. This may seem obvious to most, but I would never have thought to drink the “good stuff” first and then slowly descend into the pits of Pabst. Actually, I would have thought of that, but thanks to Brian anyway for fine scotch and a Rockin New Years Eve (the Persian New Year is sometimez bout now anyhowz). Also thanks to Nathan W. Finke for driving me to my car and paying for a lot of stuff that I will pay him back for (I swearz!). This is the second, nay, third weekend in a row that TORE ME THE FUCK UP and I will tell you one thing, I am learning to make it happen without feeling like death shat a turd on my forehead and nostrils the next day. Aside from Brian’s sage advice, I have learned to smoke far fewer cigarettes. At Sarah’s grad school party (class of never whooo whooo!!!), I smoked more cigarettes than I care to remember. And believe me, that’s far more than I or you or anyone would care to eat (that includes the old ass lady I had to census that fucking looked, smelled and tasted like a cigarette AND the retarded man [no offence dude!]). The next weekend, at Jon Morganz rocking pre-Persian new years get-to-thingy, I happened to have a pack and I smoked it and that was not good. BUT THE PARTY WAS AWESOME (there is no Z in AWESOME). Well, I forgot where I was going with this, but there you have it. Drink responsibly folks. Oh and what the fuck was I thinking. I fucking love Pabst. Well screw you too!!!! Asshole.

2004-02-19T18:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, now for a little about myself so that you can get to know me as well as I, myself know me. I’m an aspiring cartoonist…no…I AM a cartoonist (thanks to Trent B. for reminding me to present myself as I will be, not as I once was/am) living in Raleigh, NC…no…New York City! (thanks again Trent) I’m living out my dreams working temp. job after temp. job…er…drawing cartoons! I feel like I’ve been given a grand opportunity with this blog thing and I’m not going to waste it! It’s not everyone who gets to pour their heart and soul out on the internet for millions of people to read (hi mom!), so I’m going to make the most of it! So many blogs I read try to be profound or intellectual or, even worse, silly, but I’ve decided that my blog is going to be an earnest attempt to connect to all you people out there in America and in the world too. That’s why I’m presenting to you ladies and gentlemen, my heart and soul…my life’s work…MY Grand Coolie Damn: The Adventures of Preensiss the Amazing Kitty Kat! Attack! (the attack part doesn’t show up in the first instalment).

Take care,
Jon

2004-02-18T19:37:00.000-05:00

Since everyone from Sallie Allgood and Matt Lawson ,to Billy Corgan and Frank Sinatra has a blog these days, I figure I should have one too. I also promise to use lots of hypertext

2004-02-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

it's going to happen, i just know it.